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Thursday, February 14th, 2008
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6:12 pm - Time for a Change
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Due to changes in my life, and the fact that there aren't any non-LJ people anymore who I want reading my LJ, I've made this journal friends only.
I only kept the friends who I think actually give a damn about me and my life, and tossed the rest. If you think you should be one of them, leave a comment here.
Love, Cherry.
current mood:  determined
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| Monday, October 22nd, 2007
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6:00 pm - Give me an A.. Give me a D.. what, no H?
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I had quite a long day at the hospital, but I'm glad that now I have some certainty concerning myself. I've been diagnosed with ADD. Not the H, because even though I'm rather hyperactive at times it wasn't enough to add it to the diagnose - so I'd like to think that I've got ADhD, with a lowercase H. ;)
First of all this means of course that I've got an explanation of some of the things that I do, say and think. But it also means that I'll be able to receive help from special university funds, such as coaching, to which I'm quite looking forward; maybe this proves to be just the thing I needed to get my study back on the rails.
Another aspect of me is that I seem to fit in the category of 'cluster C' people - I'm inclined to certain aspects of this cluster, such as perfectionism, dependence, and avoidance. I've no idea what exactly this means, but it seems to be useful additional information. Or something.
The psychologist (the psychiatrist was on sick leave) also mentioned that it would indeed be advisable to take up some more sessions with a therapist, just like I had already discussed with my study advisor. What with me being highly gifted, and bullied/excluded all my life because of it, I have a very low self-esteem and always aiming to please others. This is something that I need to process, she said, or it'll come back and hit me in the face later in my life.
I'm relieved. I now have an explanation for many aspects of my personality, I can now access means of dealing with some of my problems, and I've gained insight in what exactly is the matter with me. :)
Love, Cherry.
current mood:  content
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| Friday, October 19th, 2007
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3:15 pm - Warning: Core Breach in 10.. 9.. 8..
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My life is a mess right now. Yesterday, halfway during my Proficiency V class, I broke down in tears. I believe that I managed to hide it for most of the others, as we were all working in small groups on debating skills. Luckily the study advisor teaches that course, and when he noticed my condition we agreed that I'd leave class and come see him afterwards.
We talked for quite a while about everything that's bothering me at the moment. From the way my two lives are tearing me in half to the battle I'm having between what I want to do and what I feel I need to do. Especially that last bit had him saying, "if I were your employer I'd send you home for sick leave right now". Apparently everything I said and did screamed 'overspannen'. I can't seem to find a decent English term for this, but it means that you're overstrained yourself and are on the brink of a nervous breakdown. Well, that's nothing new.. I've had a similar thing (fatigue) last year. Or perhaps it's the very same thing, rearing its ugly head again?
With every year that I'm in Groningen, this particular problem has been growing. At first I had a fun life during weekdays and plenty of ties in Groningen, and in the weekend I went to Twello and had my cosy domestic life with Ewout. I really liked being with Ewout, so I went there as often as I could. That meant that I lost some ties in Groningen, because I was never around in the weekend or during holidays. For instance.. friends always spent things like New Year's Eve and Queen's Day together, I was never a part of that because I was with Ewout. In the years this gradually became a vicious circle, as losing ties in Groningen meant that I spent more time in Twello and thus losing even more ties.
I fell behind on my study due to various reasons, and ended up in classes that held hardly anybody I knew. And without such ties to bind me, I went to class less and less frequent. Which caused me to fall behind even more. And even when I did feel binding, there was that period of time in which I (over)slept a lot and missed classes and appointments because of it. Murphy's Law, perhaps.
Right now, what I really want is to do what I'm doing today: be at Ewout's, play some WoW, and only worry about what we're having for dinner tonight. But what I feel I need to do, is kick myself up my behind and do school work, or go to class, or whatever. But instead I'm fleeing, which according to the study advisor is a clear sign. He did commend me for joining Cleopatra, for that'd both give me new ties and also some fun. Fun as in, only doing the things that I want. That's also a reason why it's been healthy for me to leave Guts - there I've done four years of board positions, which is more beneficial for the society than for oneself. I did contemplate to stay and do some acting for a change, which I've always liked doing, but that would mean more commitment than I'm willing to give. Perhaps if there's a temporary project, one that doesn't require me to be present every single week for a whole year.. yes, I'd really like that.
Anyway. The study advisor suggested that I take some time off from studying.. quite some time. Say, a semester or so. But I was reluctant.. I'm afraid that if I take a hiatus now, I won't have the strength/will/money/energy to pick it up again. And when should I have this hiatus, anyway? It could never be the second semester, seeing as how I've got 50-55 ECTS there - dropping one second semester now would mean that I'd need a whole year extra to finish the study! So the only option is this semester.. but who's to say that I'll be ready for action in February? And, more important, do I really need it? Can't I just try and grab all means that are available to me, and see if I can manage after all? Or am I just grasping at illusions this way?
We agreed to wait until after this Monday. That day I'm in the hospital all day, where they'll run tests and have talks with me, Ewout and my dad to determine whether or not I have ADHD. If I do, then there are some facilities from the university that I may use - maybe those prove to be a nudge in the right direction. I'll also look into the policy of my health insurance, seeing how much mental care is covered. You see, both the study advisor and I agreed that I'd benefit from some more talks with a psychologist, and with the university one I only have two sessions left. And what my health insurance can't cover, the university might - they have funds to provide assistance to a certain degree.
In this light, the reading week couldn't have come at a better time. Not only do I have the day at the UMCG, but I'll also have a week of legitimate free days and Ewout who took the week off work. The only slight downside is that there's a debate recording planned for Thursday, but even though my study advisor said that he'd completely understood if I passed, I'm not inclined to do so (which on itself is strange, because it's the complete opposite of what I've been doing these past few weeks).
One thing that I did give up, though, is Cleo's Fall Camp. It's the last weekend of the reading week, and even though I've been looking forward to it I decided against going there. Both for my own peace and quiet and to stay with Ewout. Funnily enough, when I spoke with a friend at Cleo yesterday afternoon I heard that it'd be less fun than usual for a few reasons, which made it less of a pity. :)
I'm eagerly awaiting coming Monday and Tuesday.. hopefully those days will mark the start of my improvement. Until then, I'm going to do absolutely nothing I don't want. So that means playing WoW, cooking dinner, and cuddle on the couch with Ewout. Oh, and going to Spiel in Essen tomorrow. Wouldn't want to miss that in the world!
Love, Cherry.
current mood:  confused
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| Wednesday, October 17th, 2007
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4:37 pm - Baby Got Some Brand New Shoes
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Yesterday it was my turn to cook for the tribe night. I had never cooked for 10 people before, and I feared that the pan of nasi I made wouldn't feed us all. But I didn't have to worry, because everybody ate plenty and there was even some left. Which saves me the effort of cooking dinner tonight. :D
In other news, I finally got myself a new pair of shoes. For about a year I've been scouting the advertisements, but all that seems to be for sale are heeled boots or girly ballerina slippers. I just want a pair of decent step-ins, how hard can that be?
The thing is, that a few months ago we went to the wholesale and I saw a pair of Ecco shoes that were just perfect... and €70 a pair. I decided not to buy them, since I find that really quite expensive for just some shoes. But after a while I started to regret not buying them, since I still couldn't find any others. But last Saturday we went to Scapino and what did I see? The very same Ecco shoes, for the very same price. I tried them on and, not wanting to make that same mistake again, bought them straight away. It's a large amount, but so necessary. And even Ewout scored a new pair of sneakers there, what are the odds of that?
Now I can finally toss away my old work shoes, which are 7(!) years old and have been my only non-sneaker flat shoes for ages. God, they're so incredibly worn. Disgraceful.
Love, Cherry.
current mood:  cheerful
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| Tuesday, October 9th, 2007
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8:51 am - WoW! It's Beef!
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The more I play WoW, the more I like it. Last Saturday I bought a full copy of the game (which was apparently needed for me to have a full account without restrictions) and Ewout bought the expansion set, of which I have a trial at the moment. But I'm going to buy my own copy today, so that I can keep playing my Draenei Hunter.
A friend of us (the friend who got us hooked) has made us each 3 Netherweave Bags, which are simply larger bags that hold more stuff. I had complained to him that my inventory was full already while there were a lot of monsters to loot in the place that he dragged me through. He even offered me 2 gold pieces, but I refused - I might be crazy, but I'd rather earn my own. I appreciate getting help with things like bags for more space, but I don't want things to become too easy. He had to laugh at how I thought getting 2 gold would be 'too easy'.. I guess I'm still too new to this game.
D&D for tonight has been cancelled, because the DM is moving and found that she has to put more time in it than she had thought. It's a pity, especially because last time was already 4 weeks ago, but it's understandable. However, now I'm in a bit of a dilemma. Will I still be able to go to my tribe evening, or should I not bother on this short notice and just have a free Tuesday night? I'll see if I can text the person where it's held tonight, and see if there's still room for an extra person.
Yesterday was the first time that I cooked my own 'draadjesvlees'. That's a large slab of beef that simmers for a few hours until it nearly falls apart. I never bothered with this, because it takes all afternoon and we never had a way to keep the gravy that comes from it. But now we have these tiny boxes with rubber lids, that are perfect for portions of gravy and fit perfectly in the freezer. And so last night we had brussel sprouts with 'draadjesvlees' and mashed potatoes. Heaven.
Love, Cherry.
current mood: content
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| Thursday, October 4th, 2007
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10:23 am - Past Two Weeks
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Wow, 2 weeks since my last update. That's a bit too long to my liking, but for some reason I just couldn't set myself to write an entry. I think I'll just list some of the things that have been going on, lest this becomes an epic update.
- Cleo intro period has ended. Fun parts were the trading game (our group won and provided enough money for a free fust all by its ownsies - whoot!) and the final party (tiki/hawaiian theme with all cocktails and tequila shots for only € 1), not so fun part was when I switched tribes. The first tribe night was really weird, as only one out of three parents was there (one had to work, the other turned out to have basketball training until 22:00 every night - something which she had told but wasn't picked up by the other two), three new members didn't show up at all, and the sole parent that was left didn't even come with us to the tribe battle because he 'didn't feel like going'. Remember how I had been doubting between two tribes? Well, after this I decided to switch and asked to be adopted by the other group. So far, it seems a good decision. I'm just not really looking forward the work that involves making my nasi for 10(!) people... o.O
- last Friday I worked as a cleaner for a day. ASA had asked me if I could work, and even though I loathe cleaning I thought I'd give it a try for once. We were sent to a Landal Green Parks and I had to clean 3 cottages. Mind you, I was functioning on 2 hours of sleep and some alcohol residue because of the aforementioned tiki party, and had to survive on espresso and coffee - something I usually never drink. You can imagine that at some point I was shaking and trembling because of the caffeine overdose. But I got the work done (and even exceeded the general expectations of student employees - booyah!), found that it wasn't as awful as I had thought it'd be, but I doubt I'll ever do it again. Please, give me a computer and a stack of paperwork. :p
- apparently there's quite some fuss over my grandmother's heritage. My grandfather seems to be wanting to sell everything in the house for a bargain, regardless of the emotional value and whether or not his children want first dibs. He also seems to make a difference between the children, and there are many misunderstandings that only blow things out of proportion. It's quite confusing and unsettling, but I'm not meddling. It's not my business, and I'll just hear the updates from my mum. When she asked me if there was anything I'd like to have I could only think of the Christmas decorations, and so I told her that if possible I'd be happy with those. I've no idea if I'll ever get them, especially concerning the relationship between me and my grandfather, but if not then I'm not going to make a scene. It would be nice to have something pretty to remember my grandmother by, but I won't push things. They're bad enough as they are already.
- curse Ewout for tempting me! The other day we were at a friend's place where he showed us some bits from World of Warcraft, and he tried to persuade us to join. Knowing my love of RPG I suspected that I'd enjoy it, but I always refused because I don't wish to pay a monthly fee without knowing if I can play often enough to make it worth the pay. Plus, the last thing I need is yet another reason to crawl behind my computer. So I said that I'd only play it if Ewout did, which he didn't seem to be interested in. But last week when I had Ewout on the phone, he asked me 'guess what game I'm playing right now?' - yes indeed, it was WoW. I was quite amazed that he had bought it after all, but secretly I'm a bit happy because it's a fun game. It's just annoying that the free 10-day trial I got blocks some vital things for me, such as trading items with members and sending private messages. Meh. Still, it's nice to have a joined interest with Ewout, and play together with him to solve quests.
Love, Cherry.
current mood:  okay
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| Wednesday, September 19th, 2007
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11:09 pm - Cleo Goes Tribal
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Last night was a turning point for us Cleo newbies, and around midnight we found ourselves divided. We now belong to different tribes, and are supposed to war with each other next Tuesday.
A tribe is nothing permanent, from what I understood. It's a group of new members with two or three elder members, who serve as 'tribal parents'. Every Tuesday you eat together and hang out some - I just hope that there's an option to change this day, since Tuesday night is my D&D night every other week. Some tribes stick together for quite a while, others fall apart, depending on the effort everybody's willing to put in. Well, I think it's a nice way to get to know Cleo better - it reminds me a bit of the introductory groups that you get at the KEI week.
One thing that did bother me, though, was that on one night you had to visit all 8 tribal parents, and then afterwards decide with whom you wanted to belong. What I'm saying is, that at th end of the night you're full with a) impressions and b) drinks, so that you might be left with doubt and have to choose rather impulsively. At least, that happened with me. At the very end I was doubting between two tribes, and I'm still not sure whether I picked the right one. Stupid, isn't it? But I had decided to go for the people I really didn't know, and would otherwise not make much contact with. The other tribe, however, seemed way relaxed but I already chat with a few of them from time to time - I already made contact, so to say. And it's not as though this tribe thing really divides people, anyway. :)
Tomorrow night is the trading/auctioning game. I remember this from Dizkartes, where we were sent out with a teabag and had to trade with people to get something better (like the red paperclip turning into a house story). At the end all items are auctioned and the money will be spent on free drinks for the evening. I really liked that game back then, and am quite looking forward to it now. Especially because Cleo also added a slave market, where people can offer services which are then auctioned. I've always wanted to experience such a thing, and I can't wait to see what people come up with. I'm thinking of offering a dinner.. the winning bidder gets to bring one friend, and chooses one main ingredient, and the rest is up to me. How does that sound?
I had been thinking of going to the Blender party tonight (no alcohol, ends at midnight, lots of smoothies), but I feel that 3 nights of Cleo in a row would've killed me. This night of Cherry time feels great, and like something I needed. Perhaps also to get my mind off things without having to force pleasantness and positivity onto myself.. it's just that right now a lot of things are bothering me, and they seem to be getting at me. I don't have a meeting with my psych until next Wednesday though, so I'll just have to hang on in there.
Love, Cherry.
current mood:  lethargic
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| Friday, September 14th, 2007
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11:54 am - Career Quiz
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Taken from ![[info]](http://p-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) dracothelizard:
1. Go to http://www.careercruising.com/.
2. Put in Username: nycareers, Password: landmark.
3. Take their "Career Matchmaker" questions.
4. Post the top ten results.
I added a bit and went for the "answer more questions to improve your results", and so I made two lists. The first is the original test, the second is my result after I answered some more questions. Quite frankly, I'm surprised that they picked so many jobs that I'd find really interesting. :) I do find it odd, though, that my first nr 1 is my nr 10 in the second list.
( first top ten list )
( second top ten list )
current mood: enthusiastic
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| Wednesday, September 12th, 2007
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6:25 pm - Bye Bye Diederik
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Last night I lost my Animal Companion. If you don't play D&D then it might not mean anything to you, but I'm quite bummed. Especially because there were so many occasions that went wrong, and which might've meant me still having my Animal Companion at the end of the fight. Worst of all were the die rolls I made. Meh.
We had entered a room and Diederik (my Animal Companion, a Dire Rat) was standing in front of me, with the rest of the party either to his left or behind me. Suddenly 4 Large Scorpions leapt out on us, 3 of them right next to Diederik. Uh-oh.
According to Murphy's Law, my initiative was lower than that of the DM. And so, 2 Scorpions had a go at my Rat before I had a chance to do something (luckily the third couldn't reach past the other 2). One of them managed to lock him in a grapple, too. He dropped to -5 HP, and on my turn I tried to heal him. Surely enough I rolled a 1, so he only gained 6 HP, and failed my Strength check to try and pry him from the Scorpion's claws. And Diederik also failed his roll, so he was still stuck. And gets an additional 6 HP damage.
Then it's the Scorpions' next turn, and a few claws miss but the sting does strike and hits him for 5 HP. That means that he drops to -10 HP.. and if you know the game, then you know that -10 HP = a dead Rat. Oh f*ck.
We manage to slay all the animals, find some kind of ring on the finger of a half-eaten arm, and that's when the session ends. Which I'm quite happy about, actually, because now I can think about how I'm going to let my character react to this loss. And whether I'll decide to go for a new Animal Companion, and if so what kind and when. But not during this current mission, anyway. I will, however, become extra fierce to the inhabitants of the cave we were exploring - I doubt the party will like me throwing myself into the fray, but it sounds like something my character might do. After all, he is a Dwarf. Sure, he's a Druid who understands the cycle of life and death, but he's still a Dwarf - pretty easily pissed and vengeful and acts like a bull to a red cloth to whoever is remotely responsible for the death of his buddy for the past 5 levels.
Next session is cancelled due to the DM being on holiday, so I've got 4 weeks to think this over. And get used to not having a Dire Rat anymore.. :(
Love, Cherry.
current mood:  crushed
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| Saturday, September 8th, 2007
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8:33 pm - Cleo and a Wedding
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The first two initiation nights at Cleo were quite fun. The hunt for Quetzalcoatl consisted of us collecting pieces of a jigsaw while visiting the various committees, and then take those pieces to the park to solve the jigsaw that would reveal the summoning spell. After we had chanted the spell by the light of some torches, Quetzalcoatl appeared and spoke a little rhyme - which was basically just a 'well done, now go to the premises and get drunk'. And on Thursday we were introduced to the 'colleges' they had, which were really little clubs revolving around things people enjoy doing (choir singing, snooker, improv theatre, and poker). After that there was an ALV 'workshop', which I really wasn't looking forward to (on account of having had too many negative experiences with ALVs), but this one was made ludicrous and therefore quite fun. One of the motions was that all the single guys present were to take off their shirts, and after some bickering it was accepted with a majority of the votes. *grins* Quite a nice view, really. For the most part.
The only bad thing that happened that night was that I got a door smashed into my head, and had to ask for a chaperon to accompany me on my way home just in case. Boy, did I feel dizzy. And no, I wasn't drunk. It still hurts a bit, but I'll live. And besides, there's a little golden lining to this: I now totally own Chris' ass for this. I told him that I'll take my time to think of some way he can repay me, and he's already cowering in anticipation. This is going to be goood..
Yesterday was the wedding of an old friend of mine. We go back 9 years already, which is quite a long time for me. But then again, moving a few times tends to make it difficult to sustain friendships for a long time, so 9 years is an eternity in my view. Anyway, we were invited to be guests for the entire day, which meant that we witnessed the ceremony, were included in the family pictures, and had dinner with the happy couple before the guests for the evening party arrived. It was very enjoyable, and since we booked a room in the same building they held the party in neither of us had to withhold the alcohol. The bride looked absolutely gorgeous, and they had come up with a brilliant way to fit the bridal cake in the schedule: they turned it into an ice cream cake and served it for dessert. Absolutely brilliant. I love ice cream cake.
Strange, but throughout the day I kept placing things in the perspective of Ewout and myself. Which had me crying when the registrar read a lovely poem during the ceremony, warmed my heart when the couple slowdanced to Marco Borsato's Zij (She), and gave me some random ideas for when it's our turn. Silly really, because it'll be a while before that happens. But still, it's nice to fantasise about it once in a while, no?
Love, Cherry.
current mood: complacent
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| Tuesday, September 4th, 2007
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3:44 pm - Bone-cracking and Minor Problems
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My plans were kind of thwarted yesterday, when a little before noon I received a call from ASA asking me whether I could work a few hours that afternoon. I was surprised, most of all because I hadn't suspected them to ever call me for work. But a little later I set off to Deventer, where a chiropractor was in need of me to fill in for the receptionist lady. It was simple and enjoyable work, and with a bit of luck I might be found there more often.
My meeting with Hans provided me with both good news and bad news. The good news is that the Spanish minor I'm after is still available, just not yet, so I don't need to worry about not being able to take that course. The bad news is that I won't be admitted to the Journalism minor - my argument that otherwise I had to pay €750 next year just to take this half of the minor wasn't valid enough. My problem doesn't fall in the category "I need to take Journalism NOW or I'll never be able to take it again", I'm afraid. Ah well.
In about an hour I'll have my first initiation night at Cleopatra. Tonight we're going to get to know the various committees they have, and around 23:00 we set off for the Sterrenbos to 'summon Quetzalcoatl' as the agenda says. I wonder what on earth that could mean.
Love, Cherry.
current mood:  optimistic
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| Sunday, September 2nd, 2007
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9:55 am - A Week in a Nutshell
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Wow, long time since my last post. So many things have happened, and I didn't find the time to write about it all. Here's an enumeration, trying to stick with one paragraph per item (an actual challenge for long-wided me).
- on Tuesday I went back to Groningen for the first time in what, 6 weeks? I was ashamed to be greeted by some unwashed dishes.. I had totally forgotten about them when I left for the summer. The pile of mail was manageable, and I only had 2 reminders of unpaid bills. In the evening I had my first D&D session after the summer stop, and it was awesome. With only 4 in the party we smacked 6 Insectogres, which I believe was quite the achievement. Unfortunately I had to leave at 22:00 to catch the last train back to Twello, but the DM decided not to continue so I didn't miss out. Me happy.
- on Wednesday we left for Limburg at 7:00 in the morning, with the cremation being at 10:30. It was a long day (we didn't come home until 23:15) and even though I spent some quality time with relatives (strange how a loss can bring people closer together) there was also plenty of family drama, as my grandfather had ruled that both his only son and his oldest granddaughter were not allowed in the family room of the crematorium and were also excluded from the aftermath at his home and the trip to the chapel where his funeral wreath would be placed. I made sure to let everybody know that I didn't appreciate the way I was treated like a pariah, and to be honest I'm also bitter about my mother not sticking up for me. Apparently she still turns her back to me whenever she feels it's necessary.. as she has done in the past. One might argue that she wanted to keep my grandfather's grief into account, but that's no reason to betray, hurt and exclude your own daughter. Apparently my grandfather was this close to making it a private ceremony, but if that had happened I would've fought my way in regardless. I mean, come on, my grandfather is no match for me.
- despite the long and draining day before, I had to be in the hospital at 8:45 on Thursday. The histamine test turned out that I'm mildly sensitive, which means that I am affected by things like smoke and heavy perfume and cold air, but not overly so. If necessary, I can get inhaler medication through the GP, but I don't think I need it. At the moment I'm not getting any excessive stimulation anyway - the rat cage could possibly have caused my coughing and wheezing of the past few months, but it's gone now. But I think it's good to know this, and now I can keep this in mind. Kristel told me that I might have 'exertion asthma', which means that I easily get out of breath and tired when I put a strain to my body. She could have a point, because I can handle walking or cycling distances but hasting myself to the top of a flight of stairs leaves me wheezing and panting.
- mrdude1983's birthday party was fun. Even though I'm not too partial to birthdays in pubs I had a good time talking with people I hadn't seen in a while. After a few hours we went to Santana's to play some pool, and by the time I hit my pillow it was already 3:30. The next morning I ran some much-needed errands, which took so long that I didn't arrive at Ewout's until 17:45. But now I have finally enrolled in the new year (on the very last day *shameshame*), made an appointment with the dean to discuss my application for an extra year of scholarship, visited the IBG and ensured my income for the coming year, looked over the subsidy application for next year's play, made an appointment with the study adviser in hopes of getting into the Journalism minor and inquire about the Spanish course, talked with my Microscope teacher to see if I could replace the translation assignments with extra assignments to help me understand the exam material, and became a member of Cleopatra - a student society. I feel ever so accomplished.
- another thing to feel incredibly accomplished about is the medal I earned yesterday. I participated in the Airborne and walked 15 km with Ewout, his sister Kristel, and two friends. I didn't train beforehand, which I admit isn't the smartest thing to do, but nonetheless I managed quite well. We took two 15-minute breaks and one additional bathroom break, and finished 4,5 hours after we started. Ewout feared that I'd fall behind often and couldn't keep up with the rest, but the opposite was true as I was mostly the one who found herself a few metres before the others. Afterwards we went for a beer in Arnhem, and chatted a bit until we had dinner. That was perhaps not such a good idea, because it meant it took a long time before I could take off my shoes. Instead I had to sit down a bit, get up and walk just when my feet had started to recuperate, and then sit down again. Trust me, if a 15-kilometre hike doesn't kill your legs, this will. By the time we arrived in Twello I looked (and moved) very much like a cripple. I still walk funny, and have sore knees and feet, but the pride soothes it a bit. *grins* And the rest have already ruled that this will be repeated next year, and I had no say in the matter. But I solemnly vow that I will train this time.
Love, Cherry.
current mood:  accomplished
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| Friday, August 24th, 2007
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7:11 pm - Grandmother - The End
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I had planned to come home today and write about the midweek Centerparcs we had, and how we enjoyed ourselves and the food. And how we went swimming, and to the Zoo in Emmen, and bowled on the last day.
Instead, I'll just write to say that my grandmother died at 5:00 this morning.
Last night my mother and I talked over the phone, and she told me that one of the specialists had decided to take her off the morphine and put her on sleeping meds instead, apparently because she was a lost case. She was quite angry with this decision, because she didn't want her mother to have any pain. And I also suspect that she had difficulty accepting that her mother was really going to die now. Either way, there was no telling when she'd be gone; only that she was being kept artificially asleep and that it was only a matter of waiting for her to give up. It might take a week or two, it might take shorter. She said that now it really was lucky how we had seen her best moments last Sunday, and how happy my mother was for me.
And this morning she called to inform us of her passing. I'm very content that it happened so fast, now that there was no more hope and possibly only pain because of the lack of morphine. In such a case it's humaner to 'have it over with' as soon as possible, I think.
It still hasn't truly sunken in. Maybe it's because we live so far apart, and haven't had that much contact in the past time, but right now I find it hard to believe that she's gone. Not in a denial sort of way, but because it feels like nothing has changed. I suspect that it'll come in a few days. At the latest on the day of the cremation.
Taking the standard five-day waiting period, I assume that the cremation will be held on Wednesday. The forecast said that this nice weather we've been having would last until Wednesday.. I hope that the weather gods will extend their sunny posture a bit, just until Wednesday night.
Love, Cherry.
current mood: sad
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| Monday, August 20th, 2007
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9:11 am - Visiting Grandma
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I had hoped that my grandmother would be able to speak with me, and would recognise me. But apparently that was too much to hope for; even though she did recognise my voice and greeted me with my pet name, she didn't open her eyes and with difficulty managed to rasp a few words every now and then. She didn't look ill, but the way she breathed and the fact that she zoned out often showed that she was in a pretty bad shape.
I found it awkward to try and talk to her, because she hardly responded to whatever I said. However, in the last half hour before we left she seemed to pick up a bit: I gave her a few sips of water and when we left, she opened her eyes and waved at me.
All the time we were there, I couldn't help but think that this might be the last time I'll ever see her alive. And you know? If she were to die soon, then my last memory of her would be that she looked at me and waved at me. On the one hand that is a nice moment, especially considering her condition and how she'd had her best day so far.. but it grieves me that this was the best she could do. That I might never be able anymore to just talk with her, laugh with her, give her a hug. That my grandmother is gradually 'disappearing', until all that's left is a sad little heap of human being.
I find that I can't handle these situations well. I feel so powerless in such situations, and I'm also afraid that my memory of the person in question will be tainted. When my favourite uncle had died from cancer, I refused to be present at the vigil before the cremation - I didn't want to see his emaciated, pale body, because I wanted to remember him the way he was when I saw him last - a few weeks before his death, a lot thinner but still very much alive.
Love, Cherry.
current mood: depressed
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| Saturday, August 18th, 2007
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8:19 am - To Go, Or Not To Go
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Today is the bachelorette party of a friend of mine. We go back some 10 years, already. She lives in another province now, so we don't see each other that often, but it's still good. And in 3 weeks she's going to get married. That's so wonderful.
But anyway, the party. I've been looking forward to seeing her and hanging out with her before all the hustle and bustle of the wedding, but in the past few days I found myself not wanting to go anymore - and seriously thinking about cancelling. This has absolutely nothing to do with her, let me put that straight first. However, there are two other reasons that make me want to stay home.
1. Aside from her, I know none of the girls. I got the impression that it's a group of friends, and I know that I don't mix well with existing groups of friends. I fear that I'll be the odd one out, and that the only person I can enjoy myself with is my friend - who has other people than just me around her that day. I know this is mostly my insecurity speaking, and that it'll probably not be as bad as I picture it to be, but I know that it'll be awkward.
2. This is the most important reason: the money. The plan is to have a jewellery making workshop in the afternoon, and go to a tapas restaurant in the evening. The workshop will cost us €45 each (workshop, materials, and contribution for the bachelorette's costs), which is a lot to me. And then we go to a restaurant which charges €22,50 a cover, which is a hell of a lot for a dinner - especially since I don't care for tapas. So this party will cost me around €70, and to be quite honest I'm not sure if I'm willing to do so. Partly because it's a hell of a large amount for someone who doesn't have a solid income, partly because I don't fancy paying that much for what we'll get. I think making a necklace or brace would be fun, but not fun enough to pay almost 50 bucks for it.. and the dinner is really expensive for my standard - especially considering that I don't like the type of food. Maybe I'm too used to restaurants with student-friendly prices. Or maybe I'm just making a fuss out of nothing, and are these normal prices for what we're going to get. But to me, this is too high an amount.
So this is quite a dilemma, most of all because I don't want to hurt my friend's feelings. It has absolutely nothing to do with her, but I fear she'll take it personally. And I really don't want to snub her, it's just the party.. a party that happens to be held in her honour. Eurgh. And I can't even call her in advance and explain my reasoning, because she doesn't know anything about it. It's a surprise party, and I don't intend to ruin it. But that leaves only the hostess of the party, and I don't feel comfortable with her. You see, the restaurant that was booked initially was quite expensive. So I emailed her and told her that it'd exceed my budget. It turned out that the reservations were cancelled due to some festival, and an alternative was found in the tapas place. We exchanged a few emails on the subject, and I now have the impression that I annoyed her. It may be a flase impression, but still. If I were to call her now and explain my reasons to her, I'm not sure whether she'll sympathise with me. But if I am going to cancel, I'll have no choice but to call her. Hm.
I'm going to give myself two hours to think this over.. we're supposed to meet up in Nijkerk at noon, so that leaves me only a bit of time. But I have no idea what to do. I wish I could just call my friend and personally tell her why I'd rather not come to her bachelorette party..
Love, Cherry.
EtA: well, it's now 10 o'clock, and I decided that I'm not going. I called the hostess, but she didn't pick up which left me with her voicemail. I just hope she'll listen to it in time. Tomorrow I'll call my friend, so that I can tell her personally. *sigh*
EtA2: this keeps getting more difficult. The hostess called me back, asking whether it was anything in particular that was too expensive for me. I told her it was the total amount, really. She said that there was a snag: the workshop was already paid for, and it was unlikely that they could get a refund for one person so last-minute. However, she seemed sympathetic with my problem, and said that there were no reservations for the tapas restaurant and we could always go somewhere else. And she asked if the gas for the trip was any problem, because if need be then she could perhaps fill it up for me(!).. I was quite baffled by that generous offer, and asked for a few minutes to check some things (like my bank account). Right now I'm thinking to go after all, despite the money. I earned a few bucks with work these past three weeks, maybe I should just forget about the cost and try to have a good time..
current mood:  uncomfortable
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| Friday, August 17th, 2007
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8:26 am - Grandmother
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Last night my mum called, to update us on the current state of my grandmother. She has been in hospital since Tuesday because her condition was critique, and even though she is now stable it's still not good. She's got an oxygen deficiency and a carbon acid excess because her breathing machine at home had a leak, and that's causing a lot of trouble. Also, her lung capacity is only 30%, and she reacts really badly to tranquillizers. There's no way to tell which way things will go. She might revive, she might go downhill, and it might happen today but it could also linger for a week. My mum and her sisters have set up shifts so that there's always someone with her, and the whole family's been informed - including Paul's daughters, who aren't official family. Basically, we're all on stand-by.
I told her I'd keep my cell phone switched on at all times, so that I can be called straight away if need be. And if that call comes, we're off to Limburg. Whether I'm at my friend's bachelorette party on Saturday, or asleep in my bed. We agreed to come on Sunday regardless of what'd happen, to see her and speak with her while it's still possible (if at all). This meant that we had to cancel Kristel's visit, but she understood completely and wished me the best. :)
This is all so strange. The contact has been limited after I went to live with my dad, and only recently did we pick up the strands again. Maybe then it'd be even more painful if I didn't get to speak with her before she dies.. I don't know.
So today's quite awkward. Of course because of this whole situation with my grandmother, but also since this is my last day at work. I've been here quite some days for the past year, and it feels strange to walk away this afternoon knowing that I won't be back. Well, save one last visit in two weeks so say goodbye to the boss, who's on vacation right now.
I hope my mother won't call. And I think I'll have a small cardiac every time my phone rings.
Love, Cherry.
current mood:  distressed
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| Thursday, August 16th, 2007
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5:26 pm - Some Fun Stuff
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Here's some fun stuff I've run into. Oh, you can click on the thumbnails to see the full picture.
if I ever need 'geurvreters', I'm going to buy myself a kitty just like this one.
*wheeze* can't... breathe... *gasp*
this is one of the most awesome tattoos ever.
I love the LOLcats, and this picture is just hilarious.
=====
The Ultimate LiveJournal Obsession Test
| | Category | Your Score | Average LJer | | Community Attachment | 22.58%
You've got pals to cheer you up when you're down, but no audience to applaud you... Yet. | 22.63% | | MemeSheepage | 31.58%
Easily amused | 27.85% | | Original Content | 45.16%
Some stories must be told - and you're the one to tell them | 37.89% | | Psychodrama Quotient | 18.07%
Your dark side's safe with us | 16.73% | | Attention Whoring | 15.91%
Slothfully Seeking Susan | 20.66% | |
Well, I'm glad I don't have to worry about my dark side. No, I don't have cookies. Now sod off.
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I actually liked this one. I believe I nicked it from ezaryu's journal way back. A few months, I think. *hum* I tend to save them to my hard drive and then forget all about them.
Love, Cherry.
current mood: amused
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| Tuesday, August 14th, 2007
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1:03 pm - Just Crui-.. Working
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On the one hand I'm a bit sad that after this week I won't be working at Roto any longer (the girl I replace on Saturdays gets a contract which includes Fridays, dagnabit), but I'm also longing for free days again. Mind you, next week we'll be at Centerparcs for a midweek and after that I only have one week left before uni starts again. A week full of appointments, dates, and other stuff I need to arrange, mind you. Like signing up with uni (ahem), making sure I get a loan at the IBG, finally sending that form to the dean which might get me an extra year of scholarship, and if I still haven't done so by then.. really, really send in my tax assessment. Oh, and get all my medical bills assorted so that I can send them to my insurance company for them to pay me back. All those bills total up to quite an amount - added up to whatever it is that I'll receive from the FEDs. Can't wait. *rubs hands in glee*
Work is pretty quiet today. Quiet enough for me to have a chance to write this entry, anyway. I can't leave yet, because we're still waiting for 4 trucks, but that's okay. I'm off at 13:45 at the latest, because I need to be at the hospital at 14:00 for an extra meeting with the lung specialist. I was going to see him somewhere next month, but I'm slightly worried about my current complaints - they've become a bit worse and also more specific. I just don't feel like having these complaints for a whole month only to have some internal tests done (I honestly wonder if these pains are in any way related to histamines or hyperventilation), and I'll tell him so. Maybe he can give me some muscle relaxers or something, anything temporary to help me through for now.
Meh. I hate this.
Love, Cherry.
current mood: blah
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| Monday, August 6th, 2007
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7:37 pm - Castlefest 2007
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The weekend has been utterly awesome - again. It was tiring, sure, but I wouldn't have minded if it had lasted a whole week. The people, the music, the food, the products.. I just can't get enough of it. Like I said last year, I can't wait till the next Castlefest.
Part of me wished that our tent was less busy, so that I had more time to enjoy the bands and browse the stalls, but in all it's good that our tent was so popular. Particularly the Munchkin tournament, which was held on both Saturday and Sunday. We never had this many participants, not even at the last Dutch Championship, and could hardly believe that so many people had entered.
The past two years we had rain; a lot in the first year, a bit in the second. But this year was dry, warm, and free from rain - on Sunday they even hung up signs that advised people to drink plenty, and the guys from Rapalje threw waterbombs into the audience upon starting their gig. We were blessed to have a large tent in the shade, with a breeze occasionally coming through. It was so cool in our tent that I didn't realise how hot it was until I browsed the terrain myself on the way to the toilets. It wasn't a surprise that the ice cream and fresh fruit stalls had long queues.
Kristel, Ewout's sister, was coming along with us. Her interest was sparked by our tales, and two of her friends would be there as well. She had set up her tent next to ours on the camping, drove with us to the terrain and back, and would join us in the Subcultures tent when she wanted a place to sit down or have a drink. At first I was a little afraid that things might go wrong, because we never seemed to get along that well.. but strangely enough we came closer together. When we first met she was distant to me (for personal reasons), in response to which I distanced myself from her - and from there it never got any better. But this weekend we even had a talk about that, and found that we really had no reason to dislike each other. On the contrary, we discovered that we can get along quite well and especially share the love for the festival and its theme. I'm really happy with this, for more than one reason. Not only is she very nice, but I also think that it can't have been pleasant for Ewout to have tensions between his sister and his girlfriend.
I hardly would've believed it, but she really blossomed these past few days. Where normally she's rather introvert, insecure, and shy, here she met people who shared her interests, who didn't care how she dressed or looked like, who were spontaneous and kind, and after only one day she was much more confident. And by Sunday you'd think that she had been one of the crowd for years already, ha ha. And she even signed up for Goth Models, who like her to participate in one of their fashion shows in March. I'm happy for her.
It was nice to see so many familiar faces - just a pity that it's only once a year in most cases. Oh, and speaking of familiar faces, on Saturday I had wyldirishtric and her boyfriend in our tent, and on Sunday both jexus and mayanarebs came by. Let's see how many others can be lured convinced to come. *grins*
We bought three bottles of mead, won an additional one in a game the mead seller had, and I have three new rings - one given to me by Ewout. I've always loved wearing rings, and these are beautiful. One of them even is a puzzle ring, consisting of four parts and only assembled in one way. Cool, huh?
There was just one little thing... on Sunday the closing act was Rapalje, and I joined Kristel in the front ranks to enjoy their music. Well, I can tell you from first-hand experience that the guys from Rapalje wear their kilts in the traditional Scottish fashion... o.O
All in all, a terrific weekend. Although I must say, that after two busy weekends, I long for the next - when we have planned absolutely nothing but to regain lost energy.
Love, Cherry.
current mood: chipper
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| Thursday, August 2nd, 2007
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4:59 pm - *wheeze*
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Well, after two hours of checks and talks in the hospital, I'm still as far as I was this morning - knowing nothing. I've been having weird and painful stabs in my sides and chest for a couple of months, and when they became more frequent and in more places I started the whole process of GP, x-ray, lung specialist, lots of tests involving breathing, and in three weeks two more tests involving histamines and hyperventilation. Bleh. I had vaguely hoped that it would be a minor thing with the muscles in between my ribs or so, but not knowing anything is highly bothersome. No wait, that's not entirely true.. I know that it's not CARA, and I know it's no embolism. Big help.
Ah well, I decided I'm not going to worry about that this weekend. I've got much more important things, because we're going to be at Castlefest. Yay, Castlefest! *beams*
I just hope the stabs will be nice to me and subside a bit during the weekend. It's a shame that they're with long intervals and only last a few seconds each time, so painkillers won't do any good.
In other news.. hm, not much going on, really. Just work during the day, and cuddling on the couch and watching telly in the evening. But hey, I'm making money. Which is something I hadn't really expected after hearing nothing at all from all the job agencies where I applied.
Love, Cherry.
current mood: distressed
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